You tore me into pieces, you destroyed me and my life.
19 October 2008
To Jasmine Jie:
JieJie, i will love you 4ever with all my hearts :D
Even if the sky falls, oceans bows, u will still be my Jie.
Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.
My other gans stab me but i believe if i get hurt, u will protect me (:
I promise u too (:To Elizabeth:
Dear diary, the sickening felt of emptiness is killing me inside. I could sense my hollow heart wallowing at its own pitiness of losing somebody it had kept inside and swore never to let go of.
Did you know when I said those words, I was having these cold shivers secretly praying that you reply me with a "no". Is that too much of me?
Did you know before I did whatever I've done, I was actually afraid of the consequences. I was afraid of losing you.
I thought twice but I decided to follow my heart. Is it really that wrong to do so?
Why did you break into my life, rob me of my soul, kept me mesmerised, told me you loved me most? Why?
Now that you've stab me from behind, not even a sayang. You've made a mess out of my onced beautiful life, you've took my soul, you've got me hypnotised and never myself again..
I knowingly crushed my heart into a million pieces.
That day you say break friendship, i was hurt, are you still thinking of me or is there any other cute boy on your mind?
Are they really so much more important than me or is it that I'm thinking way too much?
All I ever wanted was for you to come back, stay by my side, watch me live, be with me through my worst, lemme be with you when you're down and never to leave me ever again.
Is that too much of me?
I can still feel the touch of yours lingering on my mind whenever I close my eyes. I can still remember those words you've used on me. I can still remember what you said that night.
"You are the one that I love the most."
That, is what you told me.
They told me a friend like you is not worth it, you're not worth of me losing myself over your departure. I didn't listen. I believed all your words. I gave you my best, the whole of myself but I guess that isn't enough.
They can call me naive, they can speak ill of me all they want. All I want is for you to believe in me like how I believe in you.
Is there a possibility that you'll feel the same way about me like I felt the same about you. Or am I thinking too much.
They say you'll be fine.
They told me you're already alright as time pass, you never did lack of friends around you. That, got me feeling that you never needed me by your side.
That, even got me wondering if you've friend me before. Did you even care for me?
I wanted a faithful friend who trust me like how I trust her/him and I put my faith in you. Why did you destroy my faith?
Why did you lift my faith up and threw it on the ground? Yet, I can only stare at my faith with tears rolling down my cheeks, feeling my heart wrench and experiences all those blues.
I can only cry myself to sleep every night.
I assured everyone that I'll be strong, I pretended to be, I smiled like the sun shining in front of everyone..
I tried to move on, I tried to move away from this friendship and even breakaway from them.
What else can I do to get myself back together again? All I can do is to keep myself busy, lock myself in, drown in my own pity for myself and cry.
They asked me why my eyes are swollen everyday, I laughed and said no.
They didn't probe and I didn't say. I started putting on this pretence of sunshine just to keep everyone from worrying for me.
They told me you aren't worth it.
I didn't listen. That, isn't what I wanted to hear. I just want to voice out my thoughts and feelings but they didn't listen either.
All I want is to say everything out, I don't like bottling things up but nobody understood.
Its true. Nobody understand this feeling.
Do you?
Does anyone understand how it feels like to be neglected for a long time, longing to see the one you friend me everyday to no avail?
Yet, the one you is constantly finding ways to stay away from me because he/she isn't in a good mood and he do not want to vent his/her anger on me?
Does anyone understand how it feels like when you feel so empty that you have to rant your frustrations to your closer friends trusting them not to spill anything out yet somebody else eavesdropped and spilled everything to the one you love?
Do you understand?
And that no matter how much you explain, the one you love just don't listen. Nothing ever gets in his head.
All you ever thought of is that I'm unfaithful.
You aren't even there when I'm dying of pain.
I didn't blame you either. That, is because you're busy with your blog or something. I tried to be understanding. I didn't blame you.
When you tell me you are busy, you don't have the time for me, my heart just sanked deeper each day.
Yet, I have to come across knowing that you have time to be with your other friends.
You told me you treat me as a good friend, you want to give me nothing but the best.
Aren't you contradicting yourself when you lied to me everytime? Elizabeth, don't lie. Don't lie to me. Why did you lied?
What hurts me most is that you said you understand me.
Although I denied it, I know you understand me. You said you understand me. I believe in every of your words.
Why did you believe in every of theirs?
Are we really fated to be this way? Are we really fated to end without a goodbye? Are we really not meant for eachother?
I tried moving on, I walked away because I know this friendship is going no where.
But, for every step I walk away from our friendship, I feel a knife stabbing even deeper into my fragile heart.
You've got me on my knees. Can I beg you for mercy?
If only I didn't friend you at all, I will be able to say I hate you for infinity.
Now that I'm ruined, I'm thoroughly destroyed, I'm not myself anymore, I became someone else. Somebody insignificant in your life.
I am even appearing to be close to being desperate. I wonder if they are happy to see me in this state. I wonder if you still care for me or that you're hating me like me hating you.
I hate you for not believing in me the way I believed in you.
I'm aware that nobody cannot live on without another but I just simply cannot live properly without you.
I never knew I could friend somebody that much until I meet you..
Everything's over, ceasing to dust particles.. The next time I see you on the streets, perhaps, will history repeat itself or will we pass eachother by with the name of strangers?
I can remember vividly how tightly I hug you the last time, so afraid that you'll leave me one day..
That day had came. You've destroyed my soul.
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Enough of those emotional stuffs. I'm sick and tired of them too, aren't you?
