20 September 2008
I've never said I'm perfect, I never was. I just think I'm beautiful in my own way, just like everyone of you out there.Exam is coming closer and closer each day, I don't wish to lie, and I felt threatened by it.
The fear of not making it to the few good classes next year is frightening the chicken little inside me. The thought of it just shakened all my aspirations and ambitions. Its really important to me whether or not I make it because it will determine my future.
Yes, I actually care about my future.
Seriously, I regretted not working hard for my goals at the starting of the year. I regretted not listening. If only I listen instead of heading towards rebellion, things wouldn't be the same.
Yes, I regretted. Its contradicting of me to admit that I've regretted because I once said I will never regret any decisions I've made as life is too short to live around in regrets, I know.
But heck, its really time for me to admit that I'm wrong before its too late isn't it?
Why didn't I do so earlier? Hmm, perhaps that I'm stubbornly ironic? I know I'm going the wrong way but I still do it because I don't want to let people think that I'm somebody who contradict myself.
Maybe. Its probably the reason why I'm still doing it even though I admitted that I'm wrong and I should've listen instead of act recklessly.
I'm not complaining now. My intention is clear as glass. Haha. ^^
As fear of failure is affecting the way I'm functioning each day, I'm getting more and more pressured by it. Which means, I shall not let anything else waver me when my study bug is back to haunt me.
That, of course, includes blogging.
Alrighty! I guess y'all get what I mean by now. Yes, I am going on a hiatus and I most likely will not be back before Exam officially end.
That is, if I can control my urge to switch on the computer and start typing out all sorts of nonsenses non-stop. Heees. Don't laugh cuz I'm serious.
Wish me gooooood luck yeah! Likewise, I'll be wishing every one of you GOOD LUCK too. ^^
Buhbye.
.
.
.
Wait a minute. Before I go, there's something else that I would like to rant about. Heck as I am too lazy to sign into my Livejournal and start complaining about it, I will rant about it here.
Those who do not like whiney posts, please kindly skip the following part! ^^
As I was thinking of a realistic plot for the composition that our english teacher gave us, I decided to use the Exam incident for it.
'Nuff said, that was an impulsive decision but I will not regret making it.
What happen was, I got really enraged, as I was remisniscing of interesting parts to write about, even by thinking of the way she treated us.
I know y'all will be like,"WHAT THE FUCK, the incident is already so effin' long ago and you're still harping on it?!"
Yeah. My reply to you will be, "Do you mean that if you kill somebody's daughter 10 years ago, you'll expect them to not harp on it since its sooo effin' long ago?"
You: "But its different! In her case, she did not kill anyone. Be reasonable."
Me: "Does that mean that she can hurt anyone and get away with it? My point is, if you hurt somebody effin' long ago, will you be shameless enough to expect that person to forgive you by now? Will you?"
You: "Did you even get hurt? I didn't know words can kill."
Me: "Fair enough, words cannot kill but don't you deny that words won't hurt. We're all made of flesh and blood. Do you mean that I can go around telling people they look like prostitutes and bar-girls expecting them not to hate me? If yes, I'm sorry cuz I'm not that shameless."
You: "You know I don't mean it that way. The point is, she already stopped calling you a prostitute isn't it? So why are you being so petty? Why can't you forgive and forget and start being friends with her all over again? People will change as time pass!"
Me: "You forgot I'm a girl and a girl is born to be petty. Is it my fault that I am? No. Yeah, she did stopped calling me a prostitute. Does that mean that she didn't call me a prostitute before? No. Why should I forgive her? She don't deserve my forgiveness. She? Change as time pass? Who are you kidding?! If she will, she will not break my trust for her for the effin' fourth time. Geddit?"
You: "As you already mentioned, people are made of flesh and blood, why can't you practice what you preach and be magnanimous? Prostitute is just a word, why must you let a word ruin the bonding friendship between the both of you?"
Me: "You forgot that besides being petty, I'm contradicting too. Screw all those perfectionists, I give up. From now on, I shall not practice being magnanimous. It suck. What exactly is a bonding friendship between me and her? Did that even existed? If so, tell me why did she ruin it if she did cherished it. And, why must I give her another chance to ruin it again. I know she will."
You: "Is it really impossible to let go of the past and be friends with her starting all over again?"
Me: "Hell yeah. That's final. Hopefully, time will conceal the hatred I had for her deep in my heart."
You: "Then, so be it. Do think it over."
Me: "There isn't a need to. I've thought about it over and over again ever since that day I experienced the feeling of her betrayer and its already pointless to think about it again now."
You: *Let out a sigh*
.
.
.
Gosh, I cannot believe I am that impossible. Whatever I wrote above is actually whatever that I'm debating with myself for the last two days. Serious.
So, if you're gonna tell me that I'm selfish and I've not been thinking in her shoes, please eff off far away from me. I may be vain but I'm certainly not self-centered to the extent that I'm close to inhumane.
Unlike that dumb bitch who condemned the truth before she goes around spilling it like she's the victim.
Why dumb?
Oh, because dumb bitches do not know how to bark. Therefore, they're not pretty and I'm not complimenting her.
*PUI*
Anyway, I just remember something that she wrote about me long ago that I wanted to clarify.
She said I'm self-conceited.
Now, tell me, which part of me is self-conceited? I don't think so. I may be a narcissistic but I'm certainly not shamelessly vain and thinks over-highly of myself.
I never said I'm perfect(even if I did, I'm just kidding. I never thought I am.), I never was. Neither were you.
I just happen to think that I'm beautiful in my own way.
This is known as high self-confident level which, sadly, not everyone possess of. Agree?
I don't give a damn if you think I'm shameless to think that I'm beautiful. Go ahead and puke all you want but please kindly keep your opinions to yourself because I do not need any of it.
That is integrity. Whether or not you have it, that is your choice.
For one, I despise people who are insensitive to other people's feelings. I will not tolerate it.
Similarly, I appreciate people who are confident! I think everyone should be confident of themselves as nobody is perfect anyway. Seriously, if you don't love yourself first, you are forever unable to love others.(:
Hmm, don't get offended by whatever I wrote about above yeah. Don't mind me, I'm just being whiney due to PMS.
Cheers people! ^^
Picture:
